Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
