I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
