I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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