dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
