The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
