He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
where does the pee come out of this thing
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
