New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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