I smell stomach acid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
