Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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