Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
