she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
he's single and there are thong briefs.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
