I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
