He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
