It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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