dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
