I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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