Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
