When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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