Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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