FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
