When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
