I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have grass duct taped all over my body
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
