I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
