If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
