You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
