her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
