dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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