I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
