Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
