I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
