so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
