totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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