their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
