I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
