is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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