I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
