I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
