my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
