Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
