Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
