Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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