Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
