last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
