youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
