It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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