ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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