Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
