I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
