Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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