I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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